February 10, 2009

Dear Cole and Owen,

This last month has been a big one for new tricks. You both roll tummy to back now and are much more compliant about engaging in tummy time. That doesn't mean that you've stopped squeaking like tortured hamsters during much of it but since you've figured out how to roll and get back to your back you've been a little happier. You have also started to - thanks be to God - sleep for slightly longer stretches at night. Your first sleep stretch is anywhere from 5-8 hours which, while variable, does allow us some uninterrupted sleep. Grandma came to visit this month and she is no joke. Within three days of being here she had you guys out of your car seats, swaddled within an inch of your lives in Miracle Blankets, flat on your backs and sleeping six or seven hours at a time. She's a regular Baby Whisperer that one. Or, she has just had enough additional sleep over the last four months that she can come up with a plan, execute it, adjust it and implement with success. Your mom and dad are too tired to do those kinds of things. Thus why we have many half drunk cups of tea around the house all in various stages of completion.

The one thing that we're doing this month that I didn't think that we would be doing is that we're still breast feeding and pumping. Initially I thought that I would get you guys to three months on breast milk and then switch to formula. Well, three months came and went and we're still at it. You guys both enjoy nursing and you're good at drinking bottles and I am good at pumping and providing. Now I know that there is all kinds of stuff out there about how breast milk is nectar of the gods and all that but I've realized that isn't really why I'm pumping for you. Sure, it is easy to digest. Yes, there are reported health benefits. But really, I do it because I can. And because no one else can do it for you and that makes me indispensable to you. You guys have such a capable daddy who can do just about everything for you. He changes diapers, he gets up in the middle of the night to soothe you, he carries you around in your car seats. You have wonderful grandparents and aunts and uncles come and visit you and they can do lots of things for you. But, no one else can make you milk but me. And in my strange little mind, I like it that way. I like that I can't leave you for a whole day because you wouldn't have any milk to drink. I like that when it comes to what you eat that no one else can do it but me. Not Daddy, not Grandma, not Carnation Good Start. And that's why we're still at it - because I'm stubborn like that.

You have become much more smiley this month which is wonderful to see. You love your mobile and you have started to watch the occasional Baby Einstein video. The amount of motion you make while watching is staggering. Cole, you are especially impressed by the creatures and the music. Owen, you seem to be wondering where the popcorn is. You're always wondering about where your next meal is so this isn't much of a surprise.

Your four month check-up isn't for another couple of weeks so I don't have scientific pediatrician-approved data to provide but suffice it to say that you kids are B.I.G. You are wearing many 6-12 month clothes and for point of comparison, at just shy of FOUR months, you are wearing some of the same clothes that your sister wore when she came home at NINE months. Oy vey. I fold and put away clothes faster than you can wear them and I'm hoping that you will slow down a little so that we can enjoy some of your beautiful duds before they get too small. It is also viscerally painful for me to put your clothes away. I hate doing it because it means that you're growing up and getting bigger. From babies who were swimming in preemie clothes sixteen weeks ago to major bruisers who are filling up 6-12 month clothes - the transformation is just staggering. But also hard to watch because you're just getting so darn big.

I don't know how many ways to say it or write it or express it but you guys are actually, well, kinda FUN!! You laugh and smile and gurgle and pull at toys. You roll around and sit in little pod seats. You look at each other and smile. You laugh at Sarah. You couldn't care less about the dog or the cats. You like black and white pictures and things that crinkle. You like the snow and the contrast through the windows. You are SO different. Cole, you continue to be more sensitive to noises and transition. You are slower to acclimate to new places. You want to be held more. You are also quicker to laugh heartily. Owen, you are one easy baby. If you are fussing there is definitely something wrong. Typically you're hungry - or you think you're hungry. That the two of you came from the same DNA is amazing to me because you are already so much yourselves.

I don't know if it is because we're getting into more of a routine or if it is because we are getting more sleep or if it is because Grandma is here or if it is because your reflux is so much better or something else or all of the above, but this month I've really started to feel like we can do this. I am so enjoying my time with you. I am able to cherish moments with you and not worry about the next explosion, the next cry, the next diaper change, bottle, nursing session . . . etc. Yes, there is always still a nagging part of my mind that is filled with anxiety - are you happy? do you feel loved? do you feel fulfilled? - but that part is smaller and the part that is filled with wonder and awe at how happy loved and fulfilled I am is coming to the forefront. And that means that at our house it is spring in February.

Love,
Mama